|SHOW A LITTLE
|True Detective, waiting until Mr.Capone was
safely locked up (on a minor accounting
technicality), blamed him for the St.
Valentine's Day Massacre in language so
gruesome that many contemporary readers
have been so overwhelmed by the lurid
details that they tossed their cookies!
|"When I sell booze,
they call it
my patrons serve
it on silver trays,
they call it
|"We can't all be
|"The electric chair yawns
for its fodder of calloused
human beasts whose warped
minds prompt evil deeds.
The wages of sin is death!
Sooner or later it will get
That, or the searing death of
hot bullets fired from
"Don't get the idea I'm one of those
goddam radicals. Don't get the
idea I'm knocking the
"My rackets are run on strictly
American lines and they are going
to stay that way..."
"If machines are going to take jobs
away from the worker...we must
care for him during the period of
change. We must keep him away
from Red literature, Red ruses; we
must see that his mind
Mr. Capone was no less opposed
to the political and police
corruption he confronted in his
line of business:
"Graft is a byword in American life
today. It is law where no law is
obeyed. It is undermining this
country. The honest lawmakers of
any city can be counted on your
fingers. I could count Chicago's
on one hand."
Which is not to say he was
without his critics:
"There's always some wiseacre
who stands in the wings and
criticizes. You've got two choices.
You either buy these wiseacres off
by giving them jobs...or you scare
them off. If they don't scare, you
take them in the alley.
When they get out of the hospital,
if they still want to squawk, you
get rid of them."
I didn't mean to include that one,
which was merely lighthearted
banter, perhaps inspired by a
little Chianti, that might be taken
out of context and misconstrued.
This one is much better:
"I've been spending the best years
of my life as a public benefactor.
I've given people the light
pleasures, shown them a good
time. And all I get is abuse."
Let us not forget his legacies
that are all the more important
today: The power to tax is the
power to destroy; and always
practice Safe Sex.
|Today this would be called a Hostile Takeover
|This offensive T-shirt has been seen
on the streets of Chicago and in other
cities. People who wear them should
Not the people; just the T-shirt.
After looking at this smiling
father-and-son photo, who can
imagine Big Al being implicated in
the killing of Joe Howard, Dean
O'Banion, Hymie Weiss, Joe Guinta,
Albert Anselmi, John Scalise, Joey
Aiello, Assistant State's Attorney Bill
McSwiggin, and much of the
Bugs Moran gang?
Nearly all these alleged murders
were perpetrated in self-defense!
(More or less.)
Okay, so maybe he was declared
Public Enemy No. 1. All they could
ever nail him on was a piss-poor
|This site, or URL, or whatever
it's called, has been
constructed largely by Mr.
Helmer's beautiful young
Rekemeyer whose mother is
going to blow her top when she
learns that I have already
rewarded her with a slinky
|And, as Doctor Naismith has often pointed out
(too often, some might say):
CRIME DOES NOT PAY!
but it can be a shortcut
|NEVER PICK UP HITCHHIKERS
CAN eMail TO
Be sure to put "Gangsters" in the
subject line so he won't think it's
(His pecker is fine just the way it is...)
|Obviously this is a
SITE IN PROGRESS
as its founder is stumbling around
in it like a boob in the woods.
Most of the Yahoo people are
worthless when it comes to
talking 'digital' to an old-fart
|We have Johnnie, and a few
others, to thank for the vast
improvements in today's bank
security, as well as for the
prominent role he played in
transforming the FBI into our
|While driving from Davenport, Iowa, to the
city of Dubuque we encountered this
pathetic old-fart hitchhiker near the town of
Lost Nation, and of course we stopped,
hoping he might be able to tell us how to
find the historic old Julian Hotel once
owned by Al Capone and which provided
many a Chicago mobster with a home away
from home. He remembered the Julian from
his youth, told us exactly where to find it,
and described how Capone’s influence and
protection had long extended up and down
old U.S. 67 when it enjoyed its share of
roadhouses and corruption. Out of curiosity
we asked him how the local hamlet of Lost
Nation got such an unusual name, and he
explained that in the late 1800s a wagon
train set out from Philadelphia, had gotten
lost thanks to bad directions from Red
Indians, realized they could never make it
across the Sierras before winter closed in,
said the hell with it, and settled on the west
bank of the Mississippi River. We thanked
him and drove on.
|And this is the Colt's .380
Pocket Pistol--finally tracked
down by retired G-man Larry
Wack--that John was carrying
on the night that FBI bullets
"set him free."
|Alas, here is Mr Helmer today, in the
Heart o' Texas, with his neighbor,
Alejandro, who took one look at his
get-up and cried out, "Ayee!
|KANSAS CITY MASSACRE
& The Killing of Pretty Boy Floyd
Breathing New Life Into Chester's Smith's Account
|Be aware that,
except for the
obvious BS on
page, the rest of
the stuff is
|Johnnie's just an ordinary
fellow. Of course he goes out
and holds up banks and
things, but he's just like any
other fellow, aside from that...
I'd like to have enough money
to enjoy life; be clear of
everything--not worry, take of
my old man, and see a ball
game every day...
Keep calm and lay down on
|The wooden pistol--actually
made by a woodworker in
Chicago, courtesy Art O'Leary,
and smuggled to John--with a
little help from his friends, for
$11,000--by way of that rascal,
Baby Face Nelson.
|THAT'S MR HELMER IN HIS...AH...YOUTH...
when he was a Senior Editor for Playboy, giving the
magazine its Redeeming Social Value by way of the
Playboy Defense Team. There he got to know fellow
gangster-buff Chuck Schauer, a really nifty long-time cop
turned mercernary in the Middle East and who then came
back to another fine job as a Postal Inspector...although I'm
not sure what that means. Anyway, he's one hell of a
Photoshop expert who, in this case, made Mr Helmer a
Chicago mobster: Southsiders on the left and Northsiders
on the right. See if you can pick him out. If you can,
there's still no prize.
(and this is absolutely amazing!)
The Honest-to-God St. Valentine's Day Massacre
which actually have been found!...complete with documentation!
Every gangland researcher has long believed that all Massacre materials were lost forever when the Chicago Police
Department's basement flooded some sixty years ago and all the crime evidence from the 'olden days' was simply
shoveled out. But NOW the Massacre bullets now have been discovered by a Wisconsin collector in one of several
trunks acquired from his friend, the late Joe Wilimovsky, an original employee of Colonel Calvin Goddard's Scientific
Crime Detection Laboratory, and...well, click on the "First Crime Lab" and
READ ALL ABOUT IT!
While you're at it, take a look at da books (and some other stuff) at the bottom of dis page, which are For Sale,
signed by former Chicagoan Helmer, the 'Famus Arthur' (as we're known south of the Smith & Wesson Line),
since he's now retired to the Heart o' Texas.
WE'VE GOT A
GUN, VERY GOOD
SO I COULD GET
IT INTO CHICAGO.
(Old Texas friend
touch-welded on a
WWII barrel, keeping
all the original internal
parts for easily
restoring it into a
shooter. Comes with
the original Type XX
and Type L drum